Surviving
by Bamie02
Summary: Kensi's thoughts on that Christmas morning when Jack left, turning her entire world upside down.


_I know I've been gone for a while, real life sometimes gets overwhelming. Hope you all forgive me for that. For those who have asked, no I am not done with Paths We Follow. I am working on the next chapter now._

_To justareader07, who looked it over and told me to post it. I wasn't sure if I was going to do it or not, but he's pushy sometimes. Thank you so much for everything that you do!_

_This is a lot different than anything else I have written. Hope y'all like it._

* * *

><p>Kensi moved her hand over to where her fiancé should have been, but her hands felt nothing but the coldness of the sheets. Slowly opening her eyes, she saw what she already knew – Jack wasn't in bed next to her. She sighed before rolling over and looking at the clock. 5:23am. Christmas morning. She snuggled into the blanket a little more, wanting to go back to sleep, but found that she couldn't. Jack had a habit of sleeping on the couch when his mind started drifting towards darker places, but he hadn't done that in months now. He had been talking to a therapist, and they were both doing some counseling to get through this rough time.<p>

When Jack had first come back from the war, he wasn't the same man he had been when he left. He was cold, distant, scared. The look in his eyes often wild and frantic as Kensi did her very best to calm him down and remind him that he was back home, he was okay, and they would work through this together. He had never really opened up to her about it, and she could only imagine the horrors he had seen, not only when he was over there but what his mind was able to conjure up in his head now.

Slipping out of bed she quietly made her way to the living room, convinced now that he started having nightmares again and she wanted to be there if he needed her. She stopped and sighed, glancing at the pictures that adorned the hallway. Most of them had been taken before his deployment, the light still bright and shining in both of their eyes. The two that they had taken since then showed very different people, ones who had been through hell and back and were now trying to find their way back to life again.

But that's what life was about. No relationship worth having was ever easy. It was hard as hell and it took work every single day to get through it. This may not be the life she had envisioned when she had agreed with her whole heart to be his forever, but she knew it was worth it. He was worth it – every argument and heartache and smile and laugh and talk they had ever had. They were worth it.

As Kensi put one foot in front of the other, a sudden sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach was settling in. Jack snored - it was the one thing she could always count on. At first, it had been annoying, but it hadn't taken long for that sound to actually become comforting to her. She hadn't realized that little fact until his deployment, when it had taken her weeks to be able to go to sleep without some sort of aid.

But it was silence she was met with now. No snoring, no movement, nothing. Her mind started whirling with possible outcomes, none of them were good. This certainly wasn't the first time she had woken up to an empty house, but it was the first time since Jack had come home that he hadn't been here. If he was having problems, he was usually fiddling with something, trying to get his mind back in check. He had always been good with his hands, and when he first came home the doctor suggested keeping his hands busy so his mind would have something else to focus on.

It wasn't unusual for Kensi to come home from work to find that all the cabinets taken apart to be refinished or that the honey-do list was increasingly shrinking – the toilet was fixed, the sink in the kitchen didn't leak anymore, hell he had even built the TV stand one weekend. Kensi smiled as she remembered the proud look on his face when he had finished it, proudly announcing that he had overcome some demons while he built it. She had known that the admission was hard for him, so instead of asking if he wanted to talk about it, she had thrown her arms around him and laughed, happy that a glimpse of her old Jack was coming out a little more each day.

Kensi made it to the living room and glanced over the couch, noting that her fiancé wasn't on it. She checked the kitchen, the attic, the garage. Nothing. As she made her way back inside, her heart was hammering in her chest. A note – he always left a note if there was a chance he wasn't going to be back in time before she woke up. Kensi frantically started looking for one, but to no avail. She checked all the drawers in the kitchen, bathroom and bedroom. She checked under all the pillows on the bed and the couch, undid all of the blankets, even got on her hands and knees and looked under the couch and chair just in case. But there was nothing.

_Okay, that's okay. He just went out for something. He'll be back in a little bit._

Kensi took a deep breath and looked around the room. She made a mess during her search, and while she didn't have a problem with things not being neat and orderly, she knew Jack wasn't a fan of it. _When_ he came home, she wanted to make sure that the place was cleaned up. Pushing the dread to the back of her mind, she quickly made some coffee and set about cleaning up her mess.

Two hours later, the house was spotless, but there was still no sign of Jack. She walked over and plugged in the Christmas tree before sitting on the couch with her coffee. Kensi was determined to be positive, telling herself he would be back any minute. But as each minute ticked by and turned into hours, she started getting worried. What if something had happened? Should she start calling the hospitals? Or the police?

If Jack was able to hear her thoughts, he would be laughing. He teased her when she went into overprotective mama bear mode, always telling her that he's a grown man and he would be fine.

Twelve long, agonizing hours later, Kensi picked up the phone and started call the local hospitals and the police. No one fitting Jack's description had been arrested, detained, or been seen in any of the ER's. Kensi couldn't help but think the worst now. When he had been gone before, she never had any doubt that he was coming back because of the notes. Today, there was no note… no Jack… nothing. She didn't have anything to cling to… except faith that he would return.

Kensi laid down on the couch, staring at the Christmas tree. The lights twinkled at her, but she was numb. The uncertainty was too much right now. She let memories wash over her, blanket her in trust that he would come back to her.

She laid there all night, staring, listening, and staring at her engagement ring, telling herself that this one object, more than anything else, meant he would come back to her. Several times she thought she heard someone outside the house and her heart started racing. Each time, she ran to the front door and looked outside, but Jack was never there.

By morning, Kensi was exhausted; mentally, physically, but most of all emotionally. Jack had been gone twenty four hours now. She tried to eat, but the thought of food made her sick. She was worried about Jack, her mind coming up with all kinds of scenarios. She called the police stations and hospitals again, but nothing.

This went on for a week. Every morning, Kensi would make the calls, only to be told that they hadn't seen anyone matching that description. She would pace around the house, drive around the surrounding cities, talk to their friends to see if anyone knew anything, but no one did.

New Year's Day found Kensi again on the couch, staring at the damn tree. It had been her idea, to help make things feel more normal, and now she hated it. Hated everything about it – the way it looked, the happiness it had represented, the future traditions she was hoping to start, the presents underneath for a man who had rejected her. And for the first time since Christmas morning, she cried.

Kensi let out every ounce of hurt and disappointment and anger that she had held in for a week. She cried until she couldn't cry anymore, until there were no tears left. And when everything ran out, when her head hurt and she couldn't keep her eyes open any longer, she got up and turned the tree lights off and went to bed. She didn't look at the pictures on the wall or the book he had left open on the nightstand. She simply turned off the lights, climbed into bed and sank into the dark oblivion.

* * *

><p>"Hey daddy. I know it's been a while. Things have been pretty crazy. Remember me telling you about Jack? He came home daddy, just like I prayed he would, but he wasn't the man who left. He was broken inside. I don't know what happened, because he never really talked about it with me, but it messed him up… so much so that I couldn't reach him, it was as if he never truly came home."<p>

Kensi sniffed, her eyes filling with tears again as she looked at the picture of her dad.

"He uh… he told me one night being over there was like falling. And coming home to me… well, it was like hitting the ground. I remember being confused by that statement, because I didn't want it to mean what I thought it meant. But that was me just being naïve.

It took a while, but we got him on some medication for the PTSD, and things were really starting to look up. He was slowly going back to his old self. I was finally seeing more than just a glimpse of _my_ Jack."

Kensi stopped. Her throat was closing up with the lump there, but she knew she could tell her dad anything. Even if he wasn't here with her physically, she always went to his picture and talked to him that way.

"He left, daddy. On Christmas morning. Two weeks ago. No fight, no argument, no note left behind. I woke up that morning and he was gone.

I know it sounds silly, daddy, but I can't breathe. I just… it hurts so much. He was my everything, and I don't know how to go on without him. My heart physically hurts, and I don't know how to stop the pain. He took a piece of me with him I don't know that I'll ever get back.

What's worse, I don't know that I can ever fully trust someone. Not if them leaving hurts like this. Because I can't survive this again, daddy. I've known loss – I had to go through losing you by myself. And at that time, I thought losing you was the hardest thing I would ever have to go through. And in a way, it was. I won't ever feel that kind of pain again.

But this… this is different. You had no choice when you left me. Jack on the other hand… he made a conscious decision not to be with me. That's what makes this so hard, daddy. He just left, without a word or a backwards glance or anything. He took my heart with him, and a good piece of my soul, and I don't know how to forget him….or forgive him.

He and I, we had so many things planned. We talked about buying a house, what our kids would look like, traveling the world if we could. The things we wanted to look back on when we were old and gray and sitting in our rocking chairs. We knew it wasn't going to be easy, but as long as we had each other we would be okay."

Kensi was crying so hard at this point, she couldn't talk anymore. She laid her head on the pillow, using it to drown out the sobs. The pain she was feeling was something she thought she would never have to experience.

She had hoped talking to her dad would help sort the jumbled mess in her head, but she couldn't seem to get the words out. So she hoped he could hear her thoughts that she couldn't say out loud.

Jack had been funny, caring and handsome. They had started out as friends, but one day they both seemed to look at each other in a different light. Little touches meant more, and it was as if they both could see their future in the other's eyes.

Jack had made the first move, kissing her softly one night after dinner. Kensi had blushed, but taken his hand when she saw the uncertainty of his actions in his eyes. That one gesture, linking their fingers together, had sealed their fate. From then on, they had been inseparable. If they weren't together, they were either texting when they could or talking on the phone. Jack had already been in the service, and Kensi understood when he couldn't get back to her as fast as she liked. But she was patient, and that patience had paid off.

She had come home one night after class and found their apartment completely dark except for candles lighting the way to their room. When she opened the door, Jack was on one knee, holding up a beautiful solitaire diamond and asking if she would be his wife.

Kensi had said yes immediately, knowing this was the man for her. Two days later, he had been given his orders – one tour in Afghanistan. Kensi had tried to be brave, to put on a front for him, but she was scared to death. She had dealt with this her entire life, she knew what it was like to be a military child, and now she would learn about the military wife. She was bound and determined not to be like her mother, who couldn't handle that kind of lifestyle. When you loved someone, when you married them and started a life with them, then the 'for better or for worse' should mean something.

But on the day that he had left to go on overseas, Kensi had finally broken down and cried. But that was nothing compared to what she was feeling now. Now… she knew he wasn't coming back. There was no way to tell herself that he would only be gone for a while, that he loved her and knew she was waiting for him, because she didn't believe it anymore.

The happily ever after was something you only found in fairy tales. That wasn't real life, and there was nothing she could do right now but get through this one day at a time. Because Kensi Marie Blye already learned the hard truth about life – it doesn't wait for you. It will leave you behind without a second thought and catching up was a bitch.

She stared at the picture of her dad and tried to take some of the strength that she saw in his gaze. She had cried and wallowed in self-pity for almost two weeks now. And she would give herself this last night to get it out of her system. Starting tomorrow, she would square her shoulders and get back to life. Kensi was sinking into a deeper depression than she realized, and she knew if she didn't do something soon she would lose herself to it.

She made a vow to herself that last night: from here on out, no man would get that close to her again. She had loved two men with everything that she had – one man was forcefully taken from her, and the other one left willingly. Both times she didn't think she would survive. But she did, and she was smart enough to know she wouldn't be lucky enough the third time.

When dawn came, the light starting to stream through her window, Kensi very slowly and very deliberately took the engagement ring off of her finger. She felt naked all of a sudden without it, but she also knew that it was nothing compared to the hole inside of her, filled with so much pain and heartache that she wasn't sure it would ever close. But true to her word, the new day brought a new Kensi.

She waited in the house for six months – enough time to finish school and get the job offer with NCIS. It was the new beginning she had been hoping and praying would never come, at least not without him, but she welcomed it now. Not once had she heard a whisper from or about Jack. She had packed up the house, the Christmas tree the last thing she took down, and let herself actually feel his loss one last time.

She looked at her ring once more - it symbolized a promise of a future together by a man she loved with 'everything she had. Staring at the ring she realized just like the man, the promise was also broken. There was no future with Jack, just heartache and tears. Placing the ring on the kitchen countertop, she walked towards the door and closed it without looking back. Staring at the setting sun outside, Kensi took a deep breath and after six long months she let a small smile grace her lips. She knew she would never fully get rid of the baggage but damn if she didn't feel lighter.

The move to Los Angeles had been hard, but necessary. She had started her career and dove head first into it, loving the people she worked with and was surprisingly good at undercover work. But she made sure to keep the promise she made to herself.

There was no way she would let herself be put in that position again. So Kensi put up walls around her heart - even keeping Callen and Sam, her surrogate family, at arm's length - and for years she learned how to move on with her life. Each day, a few more layers were added to the fortress inside. What she had never expected was for one sentence to change her life forever.

"This is Detective Marty Deeks, LAPD."

* * *

><p><em>AN - leave a review and let me know what you thought. You have no idea how much those mean to me. :)<em>


End file.
